What about this career?

Finding balance isn’t easy. 

Turns out, finding words to express it is even harder. So much energy wasted on trying to explain what I was going through. Picking the words that would hit just right… and none of them actually made it out of my chaotic mind.
Do I even need to explain? Does it matter at all? I’m not sure, but here goes… 

Publishing my first novel happened too quickly to process. Too mindlessly.  
Writing had been a hobby for a long time with no plan to publish. Under the impulse of a small group of like-minded writer friends on their own journey, I submitted my manuscript. Almost on a dare, not fully believing in it. But what if…? 

And it got picked up by a small publisher.
Cue the celebrations and overwhelming sense of accomplishment ! … With a side of anxiety attack too, please. 

I had no plan. No marketing knowledge, no social media skill (still don’t), no clue how to turn this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity into a successful book launch. Into a career. 

I’ll be forever grateful to that publisher for the opportunity. It taught me a lot about the industry, which is a very restrictive experience when you don’t hold the power that comes with selling thousands of copies or having thousands of followers on social media. 
It taught me how the latter is often a pre-requisite to the former. I had neither. I learned just how unprepared I was. 
But most of all, the experience taught me what I didn’t want, what I didn’t feel comfortable with.

Where I’d hoped I’d learn on the job how to drive this into a writing career, I only ended up losing control of my writing, my creative world, and my will to even make it a career. I didn’t know how to fight for it, or how to play the game.  

Then life got in the way. Painfully. Leaving behind nasty scars and trauma.
Three years later, I feel better. I miss writing, even if only for myself. I miss my characters. The ones I laid on the page and those who are waiting in my mind for their time to shine. 

One thing I’ve come to understand is that I need, viscerally, to have control over what I plan to share and publish. 
I need control over my characters, and which ones get a story of their own. 
I need control over the cover, the design, the art, … and to not have anything AI associated with it. 
I need freedom to use my characters’ universe for whichever charitable cause I see fit. 

So, at least for now, I’m switching lanes and choosing the self-publishing route, wherever it may lead me.  

With that decision came another realization: I don’t think I want to make it a full-time career. 
The pressure to build a brand, to be over-present on social media, to be on top of the latest trend all the while avoiding the latest trendy drama, is too much for my mental health. 
The deeply-rooted imposter syndrome is incapacitating. Some established authors were kind enough to offer guidance, as a peer, yet even then, the feeling doesn’t go away. 
All of this is smothering my motivation and snuffing out any spark of imagination. 

So, I’m just going to write. Share. Commission pretty covers just because I want to see my characters come to life. 

And if one reader has a good time spending a couple of hours reading my stories, then it’s worth it. It’s enough. 

If you want to hang around, join us on my Patreon!
It’ll probably be messy, but hopefully we’ll have fun 🙂